In 2014, I wrote a post titled “Hope a Little More,” and now almost three years later it seems appropriate again. I wrote that post prior to a major surgery after finding out my colon had shut down. I honestly had no idea what to expect in the future. Fast forward two years later and I am finding myself in the same boat, but instead of my colon it is now my bladder that is causing me to have so many problems. I have been on antibiotics for almost a year now continually, and my infection went sepsis a month ago, and I am now on super strong treatments over the next couple of months.

On Monday, I went to  Charlotte to see Dr. K’s (urologist) physicians assistant. Usually my time with her is not very productive and Monday’s visit was much of the same. However, she did tell me that she thought my options surgically were limited and that even if I had surgery that my quality of life from these infections  would not improve. She also mentioned two other small options for treatment but those may not work either and I would have to wait for final decisions from Dr. K. Unfortunately, I am not scheduled to see him until October and no matter how many times I have tried they will not move up the appointment date.

The conclusion for now is that nothing else can really be done except to treat the infection until it cannot be treated anymore. The PA wants me to stay on my treatment plan with the Infectious Disease doctor and do what he says until I see Dr. K in October. Even though I knew this was most likely the case going in, and is something my parents and I have discussed many times, it is still hard to hear. No matter how prepared you are, no one wants to hear that nothing else can be done.

Currently, I am on an antibiotic treatment for two more months and then we will figure out the next treatment plan after that. Hopefully the one I am on now will continue to work well for the duration of the time I am on it, but it may not. The only thing we can do is keep doing what we are doing and pray, pray, pray! The main goal right now is to keep it from going sepsis again.

I am a planner by nature and I like to have a plan and timeline, but I have no idea how long we can make the treatments work or when the infection will get bad again. I have been reminded this week more than ever that I’m not the one in charge of my life, plans, or desires, but Jesus is. He alone knows what my future holds and my trust in Him is being  pushed to another level. My  dear friend Kristin texted earlier this week and said that I was going to get to know God in a unique and new way through this. She also mentioned that this is the type of surrender and trust that can only come from a situation like this –the kind we can only get when situations are completely forced out of our hands. She is right, and even though this week has been hard, God has continued to carry and give me hope with each new day.

One passage that has comforted me lately is Psalm 27:13-14 which states,

“I would have despaired unless I had believed that I would have seen the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord;Be strong and let your heart take courage; Yes, wait for the Lord.”

Moving forward I am going to find the good in each day and enjoy the little things God brings my way. I will also allow His courage to carry me, and most importantly,

I will not lose hope because of Jesus. He is HOPE, and it my privilege to serve Him all of my days.

As one of my favorite songs from “For King and Country” says,

“I will dance a little, laugh a little, and hope a little more.”

Thanks to everyone one for your continued prayers. Pray that the doctors have wisdom for future treatments and that this current round of treatment continues to work. Pray for my parents as they continue to care for me. I know it’s not easy for them!either so please pray for their encouragement. Also, pray that that we have peace beyond our understanding no matter the outcome, and that we are able to “hope a little more” each day. Thanks so much.