Blog - Amelia McNeilly

31 Days of Thanksgiving – Day 6 – Sara Koshy

Our baby was supposed to be almost 16 weeks along when we went for our third ultrasound appointment. My husband and I had returned home a few days before, having been overseas on a work trip (for him)/ tag-along vacation (for me). We had been in Israel for the first time, walking along the beach of the Mediterranean Sea each evening, and strolling thru Old Jerusalem and Tel Aviv during the days. I was able to place my hand on the spot that maybe, possibly was the birthplace of Jesus. We walked slowly along the Via Delarosa. Then we flew thousands of miles in the sky back to our own bed and our own bathroom and all those other familiar comforts of home.

It was a Friday afternoon and the skies were grey and rainy. We saw her little profile for the first time and she truly looked like her own little person in there. I asked, “Shouldn’t we be able to hear the heartbeat?” It was several more minutes and another midwife brought in to check and double check. And then the words I’ll never forget, “I’m so sorry, Sara. There’s no heartbeat or bloodflow. Your baby is already gone.”

Two days prior, the song “Even If,” by the group MercyMe, had played on the radio and I sang along to the words I had only recently heard when a friend shared the music video on Facebook. “It’s easy to sing when there’s nothing to bring me down. What will I say when I’m held to the flame like I am right now? I know You’re able and I know You can save through the fire with Your mighty hand. Even if You don’t, my Hope is You alone. I know the sorrow and I know the hurt would all go away if You’d just say the word. Even if You don’t, my Hope is You alone.” I don’t know if that was premonition, or if it was the Holy Spirit gently preparing my heart. Because in that moment, laying on that table at the midwives office, I had a choice. And for the next two weeks–especially–I had a choice. At first going through labor and delivery, giving birth to my first tiny baby girl who’s soul had already gone home to Jesus, having emergency surgery and then going home with empty arms…preparing for a funeral in which my husband and I, not yet married a full 9 months, would be burying our baby…having my milk come in, crying in pain and weeping in sorrow…in all this, I had a choice.

As Elisabeth Elliot asks in her writings, “Would I shake my fist at God, or would I run to Him?” Would I blame God for taking my baby, or would I thank Him for the gift of life, the gift of knowing I could be pregnant, the gift of knowing that this nearly flat-chested, self-conscious girl could produce quite a lot of milk actually? (Many moms who give birth even at full term never have much milk. But here, God was giving me hope for future babies in the midst of my loss and sadness.) Would I thank my Heavenly Father, who himself had lost His only Son for a time, for what would become one of the most precious experiences of my life thus far, something that would bind my gentle and loving hubby and I together like nothing else in this world ever could?

[clickToTweet tweet=”As Elisabeth Elliot asks in her writings, ‘Would I shake my fist at God, or would I run to Him?'” quote=”As Elisabeth Elliot asks in her writings, ‘Would I shake my fist at God, or would I run to Him?'” theme=”style1″]

By God’s mighty grace and through the prayers and encouragement of many saints, I clung tightly to God and His hope and peace. As a woman with a super sensitive personality, one who fights near daily with anxious, negative thought cycles, who feels things so keenly…I had to choose to look to God, choose to not rely on my feelings, choose to trust and hope and even to keep praying. To paraphrase again from Elisabeth Elliot, “So much of this life is the daily choosing to trust and obey, letting the warm fuzzy feelings follow after, if they come at all.” I can’t wait till I have no doubts before I trust fully in my Heavenly Father.

The beauty in all of this for me is that when I’m thankful in spite of it all, God shows me good gifts and little mercies in the midst of it all. I have found the mercy of knowing I’m not alone in my journey…that there are countless other moms who have also lost their babies too soon; a club of sorts that we find ourselves in most reluctantly. We live in a broken world, waiting for redemption. Life is going to be painful and messy and traumatic; there’s no doubt about that. But I can choose to link arms with those around me, sharing my story, listening to theirs, crying together, walking together, and growing and healing together. I have also seen the gift I’ve been given of being able to not only sympathize but truly empathize with my fellow mamas suffering through postpartum depression. Due to the trauma I went through, as well as hormones being quite out of whack, my journey has led through some very dark days of depression. I now know the most wonderful help of a wise and skilled professional counselor. A therapist that one meshes well with and can open up to so vulnerably is a mercy and grace and gift all rolled into one.

My husband and I have seen the treasure that is friendship lived out as dear ones near and far have held out their hands to hold us up and offered their shoulders for us to cry on. When we first shared the news at Easter of a Koshy baby on the way, there was shock and awe and so much rejoicing. I wanted to tell our family and friends sooner rather than later, because I always figured that that would mean more people praying for a healthy mama and baby. There was the temptation to regret this decision a few months later. But what is the use of true friends if they are only there to rejoice in the happy times? To have someone to share in our sorrows is the glue and reassurance we all desperately need in this life. To be able to write to a friend and say, “Hey, today is a really bad day, and I miss my baby and I miss carrying her in my tummy and being able to place my hand there and tell her ‘Good Morning! Mommy loves you.’ Would you please pray for me?” This is what I give thanks to God for. For friends and for family and for my husband, especially, who has proved himself over and over as my steadying anchor and calming embrace. When we said our vows, committing ourselves to each other, “In sickness and in health, in joys and in sorrow…” I would bet quite a lot of money neither one of us thought the sorrow part would come so soon. But this is life. This is living. This is what we all must walk on this pilgrim journey.

And so God’s grace has been sufficient in all of this. He has been faithful and He will always be faithful. I give thanks that I can trust Him, I can lean into Him, knowing that “all I have needed, [His] hand hath provided.” In my trusting, I must know and believe that what He gives to me is for my best. It obviously won’t always be what I want, or when I want it. But I will always be able to look back and see my Heavenly Father’s hand and that hidden thread of God weaving His story in my life. For all of this, I give thanks.

[clickToTweet tweet=”And so God’s grace has been sufficient in all of this. He has been faithful and He will always be faithful. ” quote=”And so God’s grace has been sufficient in all of this. He has been faithful and He will always be faithful. ” theme=”style1″]

To read more of our 31 days of Thanksgiving posts, you can visit here.

About the Author: I’m a newlywed-ish housewife to my bearded teddy bear of a husband, living in Fort Worth, Texas. After many years of being a nanny and doing volunteer work with a Christian ministry in Ireland, I met my husband thanks to a chocolate pecan pie I had baked. I love to visit new places and meet new people and re-read old books.

31 Days of Thanksgiving, Articles

31 Days of Thanksgiving – Day 5 – Brittany Wagner

I saw a sign today in a nail salon that read, “In consideration of others, please silence your cell phones.” Despite the sign, phones rang, people answered, and had conversations with girlfriends for the entire salon to hear. Others watched videos on Facebook with the volume turned all the way up.

I watched for two hours as there was absolutely no consideration for others. I pondered as I sat there why that was and what (if any) correlation that had to the events of our world today.

I concluded we are a self-absorbed, self-seeking, instant gratification society, and we have no time for gratitude. In order to be grateful, don’t you have to look up? Is it necessary to connect and listen to others to feel a true sense of thankfulness, appreciation, and gratitude?

Ironically enough, the artwork that hung on my office wall for most of season two of “Last Chance U” was a whitewashed board with the word “Gratitude” written in script, and now it hangs over my bed.

I was doomed to work in the second poorest county in the poorest state in our country working with athletes who some might have labeled with just as negative adjectives. I had plenty to complain about and sometimes I did. My complaints came from being entirely too focused on myself. However, when I connected with the athletes around me, and listened to their stories and experiences, I became grateful. Not because I realized how blessed I was in comparison, but because I opened myself up and allowed the people I came in contact with to bless me.

It was a choice. I could have complained about the tiny office I sat in being packed with sweaty athletes all morning, every morning, leading to a packed afternoon of just trying to get my to-do list accomplished. Or I could see the joy that of all the places they could hang out, they chose my office. I got to hear stories, laughter, see smiles, get hugs, and connect with individuals who were nothing like me. In looking up and opening the door, I became blessed. I started counting those blessings. And when I started thinking negatively I would stop myself and consider the alternative that my office could be empty.

I believe that connection with others is where our true blessings lie, and in counting those blessings we become grateful. When we stop being selfish and concerned only with our needs, wants, and desires and start focusing on the needs, desires, and blessings of others do we experience gratitude. I challenge us all to “silence ourselves” and practice acceptance, consideration, tolerance, and love for others. Maybe, just maybe, this is where true gratitude lies.

About the Author:

Brittany Wagner is a nationally respected athletic academic counselor and life coach. She was the “mother” to the most dominant junior college football program in the United States – the East Mississippi Community College (EMCC) Lions.

With more than a decade’s worth of combined experience at the NCAA and NJCAA levels, Brittany spent eight years on the EMCC athletic administrative staff where she was responsible for monitoring the academic well-being of the school’s 200 student-athletes. EMCC’s athletic teams achieved tremendous classroom success during Wagner’s association with the college.

During her time in the junior college ranks, she helped over 200 football players and over 50 men’s basketball athletes reach the next level – many of whom are now playing professionally, including Quinton Dial – Green Bay Packers; Denico Autry – Oakland Raiders; Za’darius Smith – Baltimore Ravens; Jarran Reed – Seattle Seahawks; Chad Kelly – Denver Broncos and DJ Jones – San Francisco 49ers.

Ms. Wagner has recently garnered world-wide fame as the television star of the hit Netflix documentary series, “Last Chance U” – which follows the three-time NJCAA national champions during their 2015 and 2016 football seasons. Known for giving “troublemakers” their last chance at making it to the NFL, Ms. Wagner is the vivacious, mentor and mother-figure to the these men – often times the driving factor behind their future successes. Wagner’s recent stardom has landed her interviews with ABC’s Nightline, The Dan Patrick Show, GQ Online, New York Times, New York Daily News, and several ESPN affiliates. Her common question, “Do you have a pencil?” has become a phenomena across the world since the show’s debut.

For the past year, Ms. Wagner has traveled over the United States as a motivational speaker. Most recently she launched her own company, 10 Thousand Pencils. Through 10KP, Brittany is able to work individually with high school and college athletes, administrators, counselors and teachers on academic success and life skills. She earned her undergraduate degree in sport communication from Mississippi State University, followed by her master’s degree in sport administration. Wagner is a native of Clinton, Mississippi, and a single-mom to one daughter, Kennedy.

31 Days of Thanksgiving, Articles

31 Days of Thanksgiving – Day 4 – DiAnn Mills

Happy Wednesday my friends. I’ve been so encouraged by the posts that have been shared over the past few days. The posts written have been the reminder and comfort my soul has needed and today post does the same. Below is a post by one of my favorite authors – DiAnn Mills. Be encouraged!

Life is filled with interruptions, and while some people term these intrusions into their day as frustrating, I consider them grace-filled opportunities.

Nothing happens in our lives without God’s knowledge or approval. His love bathes our every breath and reassures the disruptions to our plans are designed for our spiritual growth.

We were created for relationship with God as a form of worship. We were also created for relationship with others to glorify God’s name. How wonderful to view an interruption as a blessing and means of worshipping God.

The following are three truths about God to remember when an interruption threatens to steal our joy:

God loves me beyond my imagination.

John 3:16 ESV “For God so loved the world, that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life.”

Romans 8:31 ESV “What then shall we say to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us?”

God has allowed this situation for my good.

Psalm 111:10 ESV “The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom; all those who practice it have a good understanding. His praise endures forever!”

Proverbs 3:5 ESV “Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding.”

[clickToTweet tweet=”God desires me to praise Him in all my circumstances.” quote=”God desires me to praise Him in all my circumstances.”]

Psalm 34:1 ESV “I will bless the Lord at all times; his praise shall continually be in my mouth.”

Psalm 150:6 ESV “Let everything that has breath praise the Lord! Praise the Lord!”

The next time you are interrupted and are prompted to respond in anger or dismay, remember our God allowed this moment for your good. How will you respond?

About the Author:

DiAnn Mills bestselling author who believes her readers should expect an adventure. She combines unforgettable characters with unpredictable plots to create action-packed, suspense-filled novels.

Her titles have appeared on the CBA and ECPA bestseller lists; won two Christy Awards; and been finalists for the RITA, Daphne Du Maurier, Inspirational Readers’ Choice, and Carol award contests. Firewall, the first book in her Houston: FBI series, was listed by Library Journal as one of the best Christian Fiction books of 2014.

DiAnn is a founding board member of the American Christian Fiction Writers, a member of Advanced Writers and Speakers Association, Sisters in Crime, and International Thriller Writers. She is co-director of The Blue Ridge Mountain Christian Writers Conference and The Mountainside Marketing Conference with social media specialist Edie Melson where she continues her passion of helping other writers be successful. She speaks to various groups and teaches writing workshops around the country.

DiAnn has been termed a coffee snob and roasts her own coffee beans. She’s an avid reader, loves to cook, and believes her grandchildren are the smartest kids in the universe. She and her husband live in sunny Houston, Texas.

DiAnn is very active online and would love to connect with readers on Facebook: www.facebook.com/diannmills, Twitter: https://twitter.com/diannmills or any of the social media platforms listed at www.diannmills.com.

31 Days of Thanksgiving, Articles

31 Days of Thanksgiving – Dana Mentink – Day 3

“Whatever it is – you are not to give thanks FOR the difficulties, but rather IN the difficulties. That is a very important distinction, and one I think we often miss. Giving thanks IN everything shows a heart of faith that God is bigger than the difficulties and that He can use them, if you approach Him with the right heart and spirit, for your good and His glory.” –Tony Evans

Oh I’m just not feeling so very thankful about some circumstances, dear readers. Do you have moments like that when life comes at you with both barrels and the joys seem few and far between? I’ve wondered long and hard about what is to be learned from unsolvable problems. I’m talking about the truly hard stuff, like parents taken from their children by disease, hurricanes that devastate the lives of good, good people, dreams deferred until it is too late to realize them. While I trust that God is for me, I struggle to discern what I am to learn from these terrible situations. Am I to grow more patient? (Sadly, I do not see signs of this.) To become somehow wiser and more gentle with others? Oh that it would be so! To learn better the ways of God? Still a great mystery to me, I’m afraid. But what if, as Tony Evans says, I am to give thanks to my Father IN the difficulties instead of FOR them? I decide to give it a try.

[clickToTweet tweet=”While I trust that God is for me, I struggle to discern what I am to learn from these terrible situations. ” quote=”While I trust that God is for me, I struggle to discern what I am to learn from these terrible situations. ” theme=”style1″]

1. Lord, I do not understand why there should be such a thing as Multiple Sclerosis that strips away a parent, a father, a husband, a brother, one painful inch at a time. I am not thankful for this affliction, but in the midst of it, I am deeply grateful that you are close, that you have provided loving hands and loving hearts to minister to those left behind. Tender mercies brought about in the midst of a tragic situation.

2. And what of those hurricanes, Father? Oh I most certainly do not feel thankful for storms that hurl one hundred fifty mile per hour winds and drown families, pets, homes. But in the howling winds, oh Father we have seen the ordinary people rise up in Your power, linking arms and hearts to save, to feed, to clothe, to shelter. You are certainly there, in the midst of the storm.

3. Lord, I feel very small in a very big and broken world. My talents are thin and weak, hardly a flicker of light that too often I want to shine to glorify myself instead of You. I do not remember to give thanks when my plans, my ambitions, my eager undertakings fall flat and fail. Let me always remember that I am here not for me, but for You. Thank You for your faithfulness when I forget that most important fact. In giving thanks I remember that You are bigger than my difficulties, my sin and the brokenness of this world.

Thank you, Father.

To read more of our 31 days of Thanksgiving posts, you can visit here.

About the Author: Dana Mentink is a two time American Christian Fiction Writers Carol Award winner, a Romantic Times Reviewer’s Choice Award and a Holt Medallion winner. She is a national bestselling author of over thirty five titles in the suspense and lighthearted romance genres. She is pleased to write for Harlequin’s Love Inspired Suspense, Harlequin Heartwarming and Harvest House. Dana was thrilled to be a semi finalist in the Jeanne Robertson Comedy With Class Competition this year. Besides writing, she busies herself teaching third grade. Mostly, she loves to be home with Papa Bear, Yogi, Boo Boo, their nutty terrier, a chubby box turtle and a feisty parakeet. Visit her on the web at danamentink.com, her Facebook page or Instagram at Dana_Mentink.

31 Days of Thanksgiving, Articles

31 Days of Thanksgiving – Tracie Peterson – Day 2

Day 2

As a writer of historical fiction I do a lot of research. I want each book to come alive with the history of the times and while I do make mistakes, I do my best to share history and events as accurately as possible. I read a lot diaries and journals from people who lived through the time period that I’m writing about and so often I’m amazed at the heart of gratitude and thanksgiving even when the author was faced with tragedy and trials. These men and women give amazing examples of looking beyond their bleakest moments to see the hope of something better–to be thankful for the blessings God has given. I think back over my own life and see how often God brought me through my own ordeals, not by focusing on the problem, but rather looking to Him and the good things that had come my way.

The bad is always out there and troubles are always with us. It’s so easy to pick up the newspaper or turn on the tv and hear the negative. People are angry, hurting and striking out against each other. I can’t help but believe that such negativity breeds even more negativity and that creates a cloud of darkness that engulfs everything and everyone. However, I think that we can change that with a heart of thanksgiving. All it takes is one person facing adversity and ugliness with thankfulness instead of hate and despair. You might think that’s not true. One person can’t do anything. But they can! One tiny candle lit, can put off a lot off light in a pitch black room. One tiny act of gratitude can influence the hearts of countless people.

Instead of dwelling on the negative, I challenge you to keep a list of blessings for one month – for these 31 days of thanksgiving. Write down anything and everything that comes to mind. Dwell on the positive–the beauty–the blessings. You’ll be amazed at how it changes your heart.

Philippians 4:8 “Finally, brethren, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is of good repute, if there is any excellence and if anything worthy of praise, dwell on these things.”

To read more of our 31 days of Thanksgiving posts, you can visit here.

About the Author:

Tracie Peterson gave her life to Jesus at the age of six. Tracie knew at an early age that God was calling her to ministry, and writing for Him has allowed her to offer the Gospel message and encourage people to hope in the Lord. Her motto in writing, as well as all other aspects of life is, Soli Deo Gloria – For God Alone the Glory.

Often called the “Queen of Historical Christian fiction”, Tracie Peterson is an ECPA, CBA and USA Today best-selling author of over 110 books, most of those historical. Her work in historical fiction earned her the Best Western Romance Author of 2013 by True West Magazine and USA “Best Books 2011” Award for best Religious Fiction for Embers of Love. She was given the Life Time Achievement Award from American Christian Fiction Writers in 2011 and the Career Achievement Award in 2007 from Romantic Times, as well as multiple best book awards.

Tracie received her first book contract in November, 1992 and saw A Place To Belong published in February 1993 with Barbour Publishings’ Heartsong Presents. She wrote exclusively with Heartsong for the next two years, receiving their readership’s vote for Favorite Author of the Year for three years in a row. Eventually, Tracie also managed Barbour Publishing’s Heartsong Presents book line – overseeing the production of 52 books a year.

In December, 1995 she signed a contract with Bethany House Publishers. Tracie now writes exclusively for Bethany House Publishers/Baker Publishing Group. She has co-written with a variety of authors including Judith Pella, Judith Miller, James Scott Bell, Kimberley Woodhouse and her daughter Jennifer.

Tracie, a Kansas native, now makes her home with husband Jim in the mountains of Montana.

31 Days of Thanksgiving, Articles

31 Days of Thanksgiving – Holly Gerth

Today is the first day of my 31 Days of Thanksgiving series and I’m so excited to introduce you to some of my favorite people. I’m so grateful for their willingness to participate. To kick off the series below is a post from Holley Gerth and I pray it will encourage your soul like it has mine.

My friend and fellow writer Ann Voskamp took a dare to write down one thousand gifts in her life. That list pulled her out of a season of depression and awakened her in new ways to God’s presence.

She says, “All gratitude is ultimately gratitude for Christ, all remembering is a remembrance of him. For in him all things were created, are sustained, have their being.”

And gratitude is like kryptonite for perfectionism.

Perfectionism says, “It’s not enough.”

Gratitude says, “It’s more than enough.”

Perfectionism says, “I’m lacking.”

Gratitude says, “I’m living in abundance.”

Perfectionism says, “God is holding out on me.”

Gratitude says, “God is good and gracious.”

Perfectionism says, “I must try harder and go farther.”

Gratitude says, “I will be fully present in this moment.”

It turns out giving thanks not only connects us to God, it increases our day-to-day happiness as well. Researchers did an experiment with three groups. The first wrote down five things they were grateful for each week. The second group wrote down five challenges they faced. And the third simply wrote down five random events. Those who recorded five blessings increased their happiness by 25 percent over their baseline level. That’s a significant amount!

Let’s practice defeating perfectionism as well as building our holiness and happiness together: What’s one thing you’re grateful for today?

About The Author:

Holley Gerth is a bestselling author who loves encouraging the hearts of women through books like You’re Already Amazing and her latest release, Fiercehearted: Live Fully, Love Bravely. She’s also wife to Mark, Mama to Lovelle and Grandma to Ellie {God gave her a wild, unexpected, beautiful family story!}. Holley would love to connect with at holleygerth.com or fiercehearted.com.

To read other posts from this series visit here.

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Daily Inspirations

Daily Inspirations -9.30.17

31 Days of Thanksgiving, Articles

31 Days of Thanksgiving Series

Hi friends. Over the past several years I have participated in the Write31Day series that occurs each year in October. The first year was “31 Days of Fall Favorites.”The next year was a series I did called “31 Days of Cleaning Up my Crap,” and last year was on the subject of Nehemiah but I was not able to complete it due to health issues. However, I have decided to start fresh this year.I’m happy to announce that this years theme is “31 Days of Thanksgiving.” This is going to be the best one yet. I’ve decided to partner with some of my favorite authors, entertainers, and bloggers in sharing about gratitude and joy from their perspective. I am so honored that each of these folks have agreed to guest post for me and I cannot wait for you to read what they have to say. There will be some people you’ve heard of before and some you will be getting to know for the first time but this lineup will both encourage and challenge you. Be sure to check back tomorrow for the first post from one of my favorite authors and encouragers — Holley Gerth.

Bookmark this page to read a new post each day. Also, to receive all of my posts in your inbox daily signup here.

Happy reading!

Daily Inspirations

Daily Inspirations -9.29.17

Articles, Blog Series, Christian Living, Disability, Friendship, Music

In the Time That You Gave Me

Over the past two years, especially the last year, I have been reminded how precious life is. Being sick with a chronic infection that can be terminal can change ones perspective. It makes each moment matter. It makes you live and love the life and people God has blessed you with that much harder.

It also makes you cling to Jesus in a deeper way than ever before. Ever since I have been young I have desired to live for Jesus and put Him first above all else. As different areas of my life occurred I have experienced the Lord in deep ways, but nothing like the past few months. When it seems like all you have has been stripped away, you can fully focus on Jesus with no distractions. It has made me see Jesus in a different way — really see Him, and in the hard of the past couple of weeks that has been such an encouragement to me.

My emotions have been all over the place lately because in the last two weeks pI began hospice care in my home, and then was transported to Mercy Hospital for what we thought was a bowel obstruction. While I am thankful for Hospice, and the wonderful care they provide, it still makes me sad that I am now a candidate for their services. The hope is that I can be released, and won’t need them after a few months. I do not know what the future looks like healthwise for me at the moment but I will share what I do know. I apologize for the lengthy explanation but I value your prayers and encouragement. I’ve had a lot of questions about what is going on so I wanted to share it with you. I know it can be confusing getting little updates here and there so I hope these makes sense.

I have a chronic bladder infection that is not curable due to the nature of my bladder from Cerebral Palsy, but the antibiotics I am taking are working well at keeping it down. However, I am to stop this treatment in one month and then re-evaluate treatment options then. Also, there is a chance that these antibiotics will stop working before then. The main goal is to keep it from going sepsis again and for me to have a better quality of life. Bladder infections can change extremely fast so while today it may be holding its own I could wake tomorrow needing to go to the ER. Sadly, we have exhausted a lot of treatment options already and another surgery is not likely. I see my urologist in October but I’m praying he has a cancellation before then. Many of you have asked about me receiving second opinions, and I have but due to the specifics of my case Dr. K in Charlotte is the one most qualified in the state to help me. There are other places out of state that I could try but my insurance doesn’t cover out of state medical care. Although even if I could get a consultation out of state, they would most likely come up with the same conclusion.
Also, we know that just like my bladder I have a lazy bowel which is why I had my colon removed in 2015. Once that got under control my bladder problems started to worsen and now I’m having issues again with my bowel. I spent almost five days in the hospital last week treating my bowel issues. Initially, the radiologist said I had an obstruction and ileus but Dr. Dobson said it was my neurogenic bowel being sluggish and not moving properly. Even my digestive system is a bit sluggish but since things are backing up that is causing a lot of fluid retention. Thankfully things are working better since the hospital, but there is no easy fix and these flare ups could happen more and more. I am going to see my gastroenterologist in Charlotte at the beginning of June so I am praying and hoping he has suggestions on how to best maintain things and keep them from getting even worse. I am retaining a lot of fluid which is very uncomfortable. I’ve been on medicine for that but it is not working as well as we would like it to. I have spasticity from CP and that makes my muscles tight and now that is worse because of. the fluid. All that together makes walking and moving extremely difficult for me and when I do move I require lots of help due the muscle issues and being weak. I have gained so much weight from the fluid and also cannot wear a lot of my clothes anymore. But like my doctors and parents remind me, this is out of my control and I’m doing the best I can.

Unfortunately there are no easy fixes for any of it, and it has been terminal before and unless a miracle happens it will be terminal again. We just don’t know how soon. It could be weeks, months, or years, but that is for God to decide. No matter what doctors say, God is the decision maker and I will not leave earth before it is my time. Life can change in the blink of an eye which makes me desire and pray for those who do not know Jesus as their Savior and Lord. It hurts my heart to think of all the good people in this world who will not go to Heaven when they pass away.

So much joy is missed if you don’t know the Lord. The more suffering I experience I can’t imagine going through these same trials without God. Without God I think I would have given up long ago and become bitter. Thankfully though, God has carried me through everything.

On to a more cheerful note, if you know me well then you know that I have a deep love for music. For every season I’ve gone through I have at least two songs that represent life during that time. When I hear a song where the lyrics could have been taken from my journal, I immediately thank God for that glimmer of hope. Not to sound sappy, but God truly does know the way to my heart. It may be just another simple song to some, but to me it is the encouragement God is giving me that day.

Lately, my music of choice has been Joey and Rory, MercyMe, and Ellie Holcomb. However, mainly I play Joey and Rory’s and Ellie’s albums over and over along with MercyMe’s latest single, “Even If” (thanks to one of my dearest friends Casey Rumswinkel for first introducing me to that song and to Sara for gifting Ellie’s album to me. These sweet girlfriends of mine know me well).

A few months ago Casey texted me a link to it and said “You need to listen to this.” For whatever reason I did not listen then, but a few days later I remembered and listened. The message hit me in the deepest area of my heart. Similarly during that same time, I heard the song “You Love Me Best” by Ellie and oh my word it made me cry all kinds of tears.

God knows me in the deepest of ways and He does love me best. Nothing can lift one out of the pit better than God showing them evidence that He truly sees them. What a gift it is to be known in that way.

Another one of my favorite tunes right now is by Joey and Rory from their “Hymns That are Important to Us” album. This is the song that inspired the blogpost for today. When recording the album Joey was battling cancer that took her life soon after the album was released. Her dream before dying was to complete the Hymns album, and every song on it is beautiful. One song in particular that has become a favorite is called “In the Time that you Gave Me.” This has become one of my theme songs for this season, and for life in general. The meaning of this song has taken me to another level of appreciation considering my circumstances. The lyrics talk about the hope of living and loving life in the time we are given on earth. Its simple and realistic message reminds us to live for the Lord now, and make the most of each day He gives us. We are not promised tomorrow so that is why it is important to love Jesus and live well now. No one is perfect but if we strive to live for Him, God will use us and be glorified.

For me that is my only goal and desire — to love Jesus above all else and to serve Him well in the time He gives me.

I will leave you with one of my favorite lines from the song. Also, click the videos below to hear the songs that have been mentioned here.